soho

brooklyn, ny

every transplant in a city with a robust tourist sector knows those places. they are the ones that when mom and dad, the college roommate, the girlfriend's cousins, or the recently discovered long lost fraternal twin inevitably want to see when they come visit or just happen to be passing through. its generally worse when they're visiting for the first time.

i would say that i take a better attitude than most, maybe going so far as to suggest that i am in the top percentile. the fact is that i like going to a lot of those places. i enjoy going to see the statue of liberty, waiting to get to the top of the empire state building, walking through a frenetic times square, strolling through central park, and even taking the circle line boat around the island of manhattan. for one, it reinforces that i rolled the dice and moved to a city that fascinates so many people. most of it is that i simply appreciate the spaces that make new york so well known throughout the world.

but every rose has its thorn and every rule its exception. mine takes form in a little neighborhood found north of canal street on the west side: soho. before i hone my dagger and go for blood, a few caveats need to be explained. for one, i love much about what soho was, everything that it could be, and even a fair amount of what it is. the neighborhood named for its zoning south of houston street has the vibrant history that i only wish ken burns would tackle. brothels, violence, artists, addiction, and any vice known to man can be found across multiple decades. stick a thumbtack in just about any tick on this city's inhabited timeline and you will encounter a year in which soho would fit snuggly in the proverbial place-you-do-not-want-to-be genre. up until a couple decades ago, there would have been many a ma and pa who would drive straight and without rest from kenosha if they learned their daughter was spending her nights among the district's inspiring cast iron architecture. like most places of ill-repute, the negative connotations spread among the masses overlooked the wonderful creativity and energy found within its borders. that soho once existed.

just as the places where artists live and work are the polar opposite of where their successful work is displayed and purchased, so too is the present form of soho the exact opposite of the creative space it once was. i never took karate and abhor confrontation, but i walk through soho and am pretty sure i could kick every single person's ass. it is the place you go to carry your dog in a designer bag. it is the place you go to get a haircut that matches the grooming of the dog you carry in your designer bag. it is the place you go to complain about the cappuccino you ordered only to serve as a segue to mention your most recent trip to milan. it is the place to see the people who need to be seen in the places where people think they need to be in order to see and be seen.

i think the best way to understand the people is to understand the place. i took a recent visit through the lovely cobblestone streets of soho to learn a bit more about what it is that makes the neighborhood tick. what i discovered was very simple: consumerism. this is not a discovery on par with the key on a kitestring, but a closer inspection exposed a very particular and fairly formulaic approach to attracting this very discerning fauna. because a best buy or a pottery barn will not yield the designer crowd, the local merchants need to put in just a little more effort. but not too much. i found that it really comes down to no more than nomenclature and signage. if you stop to think about it, you'll be stunned that you hadn't seen this formula all along. with great glee and forethought, i present to you the four ways to name your boutique so as to make it in soho, in pictoral form. [note: these categories are not mutually exclusive]

1. your boutique's name is monosyllabic, perhaps even slightly suggestive in some coquettish manner

2. your boutique's name is bisyllabic, but only four letters long










3. your boutique's name is in another language, or just something entirely indiscernible

4. your boutique announces that it has another location in an international city, as if anyone had asked











only some of the reasons why last evening was enjoyable
good food
great people
meeting a white guy named leon, then hearing an anecdote about another white guy named leon
hearing the following quotation: "zinedine zidane was the django reinhardt of soccer"