third floor

centennial, colorado

thirty-one is a weird age. it falls into that broad demographic checkbox where one is expected to be seen and not heard, to do and not say. you're a bit too old to have grandparents pinching your cheeks (your grandparents are probably dead) and a bit too young to be doing so to young relatives (if not entirely creepy). if you are successfully holding a job, committed to a relationship, raising a young child, or just generally kicking ass in the great bass fishing competition that is life in america, there are no congratulations. your endearing days are behind you, any potential recognition is a small, amorphous light too far ahead to be guaranteed. for now, just shut up, keep the lights on, and let that receding gumline and copse of gray hairs serve as a reminder that you are no longer the next big thing. you're just here and should be grateful for it. now don't forget your niece's birthday.

and so it is a strange age to travel. the late teens/early twenties have the wide-eyed, i'm-going-to-see-the-world voyage commonly known as the gap year or the post-collegiate sowing of the proverbial oats. and then there's the retirement trip that has you happily gripping starboard as you and your significant other sail the sunny seas like an ad for denture whitening products or erectile dysfunction-amending pills. in between, nothing.

well, not nothing. because people who travel during their thirties or forties have their own blips on the societal radar, but they are more commonly known as fugitives or the hobos who are not (yet) dead. everyone else: they're working. that's the only way you get to be the happy face on the metamucil commercial.

it was with all of this in mind that i prepared responses and rejoinders to inquiries, real and imagined, as to why i was embarking on big trip #7. in fact, i've put more preparation into explaining to others exactly why and how i can travel than into any actual logistical arrangements. i simply decided i had to go and then thought of ways to explain it to others. there's a guide book for the rest.

the economic crisis was the easiest excuse. it is true that they're not hiring, it is true that the jobs pay too little (if at all) and are not necessarily aligned with my (eh hem) expertise. then there's the book. sure, yeah, those agents are totally reading the manuscript and i'm sure they'll be getting back to me and so it doesn't really matter where i am. oh, and don't forget the fulbright. i'm definitely getting that and i might as well kill some time before beginning my project and really cranking up the professionalism.

but the real reason is that there really is no one reason. it is partly that i have worked too hard for too little pay and somehow managed to save. it is partly that i have put a little too much faith in other people and am ready to get a clearer glimpse of humanity's brighter side. it is largely that i'm exhausted physically, mentally, spiritually, and just about any other adverb from putting my all pursuing a dream and realizing that this particular yellow brick road is not made of yellow bricks but rather something brown and malodorous that has adhered itself fiercely to the bottom of my ruby slippers.

but mostly because nine years ago i decided to do something only because it made sense and i was well-compensated for the risk. and so it made sense to see southeast asia, if only to make sure that it does in fact exist, and the natural decision was that i had to go there. so i will. tomorrow.

the jury might still be out on whether i deserve a few months in the sun. that concern was long ago dismissed. i just know that i've got a sublet apartment, a humble quantity of zeroes in checking, a brand new passport, and the need to feel like i'm still alive. that's all i need at this age. so i promise that when that day comes, i will be a terrific uncle and i won't be in the unemployment line and i'll do whatever the selfless situation requires. but for now, i don't have to be selfless. i just promise that it'll be easier on all of us if i just be me.

see you in tokyo.