writing a novel

seattle, washington

comparison #1
writing a novel is like running the new york city marathon, the day after the new york city marathon. this makes it more or less the first monday in november and the course is the exact same 26.2 miles that everyone ran the day before. the difference is that as you're running over the verrazano bridge, along fourth avenue through brooklyn, on to queens and the bronx and the east side, the roads are not empty. there are buses and taxis and delivery vans and personal vehicles. everywhere. they're honking their horns. they're filling the lanes. and they don't understand why you're running in the middle of traffic.

if you are wearing a bib, it's of your own design, seeing as how there are no sponsors. there are no friendly figures holding out cups of gatorade or unwrapped powerbars for you; your hydration and hunger are your own responsibilities. there are a few people who know what you're doing, a few may even run beside you for a stretch. still, you notice that some of those cheering you on at mile three have long since disappeared by mile fourteen. this is not to say that all support is so fickle. it must be remembered that each runner runs their own race and it is a monday, after all. people have their own responsibilities to attend to. you rightfully anticipate that there will not be anyone standing there to hold the blanket for you at the finish line in central park.

the part where i try not to sound like i'm so bitter (t.p.w.i.t.n.t.s.l.i.s.b.)
as soon as somebody reads it and tells you their impression and it was exactly what you intended to write: it's as if they had been running beside you all along.

comparison #2
writing a novel is like applying for college, except the admission decision is made afterwards. you go to all your classes and do all your homework and study diligently semester after semester, just as any other student does. all the while you take out loan after loan and work at various small jobs to keep food in the belly and lights overhead with the occasional beer in between. then, when you have fulfilled the credits, you take your transcript showing years of completed work and attendant grades and take it into the admissions office to determine if you did, in fact, gain admission into that school. the key difference is that every school is an ivy (self-publishing, for now, is roughly the same as a for-profit trade school.) there are ways you can gain admission with the literary equivalent of a 3.0, but that's just because your family is friendly with the dean.

t.p.w.i.t.n.t.s.l.i.s.b.
the day you receive admission is also the day that you graduate.


my 439 step guide to publishing a novel
step 1: write a novel
steps 2-438: go through a bunch of bullshit
step 439: dedicate it to your parents